You? It was like the entire world went silent for that burp to exist. | . Chew your food; you're an animal! And it's made of spikes and wood. Oh You see, the Trunchbull's cake was so good that I'd scoffed it down too quick, and now it was beginning to fight back. MRS WORMWOOD exits. Zinnia Wormwood: He's part Italian, you know. It's a good thing I have my library. It's the female minor. MRS WORMWOOD Not the end of your nose. No, sir. A model of a grand old house rolls in from the back of the stage. Yep! MATILDA If you always take it on the chin and wear it, Aaaargh! COUPLE 4 Oh, my lovely hair! Harry Wormwood: . Oh my. BRUCE She says they make me look pretty! Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That I treated the rules with casual disdain? Agatha Trunchbull: Okay! But she is a squib. LAVENDER Oh, yes. Once in our Cube of Cash, any money that sticks to your gooey body, you get to take home! [into recorder] You should stay out of trouble, They performed some of the most incredible feats together anyone has ever seen. Here's what I think of your lovely [He starts pulling at the book as though to tear it apart.]. Tricks!" MISS TRUNCHBULL finishes writing the word "GUILTY" on the board. You couldn't spell "difficulty" if your life depended on it. Harry Wormwood: With a little help from us, she could go to university before she . MR WORMWOOD enters, puffing on a cigarette. Doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it. It's from the library! "Time is on our side. Oops! Bruce! What do I have to do to gain respect around here? At night, they listened to the silence of their big, empty house, and they would imagine how beautiful it would be if it was filled with the sound of a child playing. Bye-bye, sir. Oh, my hair! Now go watch TV like a good kid. For men. Mr. Wormwood: You will soon see there's no escaping tragedy. [realizes the Trunchbull is Miss Honey's aunt], [Matilda and Miss Honey walk past the Trunchbull's house]. Look, I don't have time for all these legalities! What? MATILDA Agatha Trunchbull: Just knock on the door . Your mommy is a TWIT! What can I do? Six times two is twelve. Well it's hard for me to remember a specific cake. When the sun comes up, And I will watch cartoons until my eyes go square - CHILDREN - And I won't care 'Cause I'll be all grown up. They're cops, Dad. To unlock that power, all she had to do was practice. NIGEL What are you looking at? MISS TRUNCHBULL grimaces as the purple spotlight leaves her. To the rules. . He screams and turns around, hitting ERIC's cap against ERIC's desk. I can see MISS TRUNCHBULL MISS TRUNCHBULL RUDOLPHO saunters over and holds his arm out to MISS HONEY. Bambinatum! Do you think I faltered or amended my rotation? That's right, sir. What about me, then? Suddenly, out came the Escapologist, dressed as usual in his tights and spangly costume. [turns and sees Harry's hair] MISS TRUNCHBULL If you cooperate, we'll make sure it's a nice orphanage. Mr Wormwood! Where is the maggot known as Nigel? Back before my life had eNded, Agatha Trunchbull: The police decided he killed himself. Not yet, anyway. Harry Wormwood: Matilda might never have discovered her great own strength of mind, were it not for the events that began on the very next day. MICHAEL gets up and MR WORMWOOD sits down on his recliner. Even if you're little, you can do a lot. The hat rack is taken away. Secrets. The less you have to say, the louder you yell it. 2. [He tries and fails to pull his hat off, tugging on it several times.] "But we do not have the one thing in the world we want most.". Green hair? MISS HONEY turns and sees MISS TRUNCHBULL watching various video screens playing footage of her Olympic games while an announcer narrates dimly in the background. But time is the one thing no one is master of. As a chalked up my palms, did I wave my hands? BIG KIDS and CHILDREN [Talking about the cake] If you sit around and let them get on top, you Angrily, MISS TRUNCHBULL looks from NIGEL to MATILDA and back. Dip face! Some rats are gonna die today. guy . Now, get out of here, you little stink worm! [loses it, to Matilda] . Check it if you don't believe me. This miracle . Overall, the best pickup line is one that is creative and original. [walks into the dining room and looks in the mirror] No! A shrimp. You are going to march in there and give them a piece of your mind. FBI Agent Bob: MATILDA and the ACROBAT'S SISTER [off-stage] And she keeps trying to tell me stories, Harry. When I grow up . It is said that we humans use only a tiny portion of our brains. Now, can anyone read this? I love my school it isn't fair! We cannot simply place her in the top form with the eleven-year-olds. Yourself, Matilda? Narrator: I told them, I said, "Hey. Once upon a time, the two greatest circus performers in the world an escapologist who could escape from any lock that was ever invented, and an acrobat who was so skilled it seemed as if she could actually fly fell in love, and got married. There's another crime in the making, your car is about to run a stop sign. Of course you didn't do it, you little twit! I sold it for $7,839 big American boffo's. The DOCTOR and the CHILDREN sing into their stethoscopes. Imagine what she is going to do to a horrible, squeaky little goblin like you, boy. It occurred to her that such talking dragons and princesses with hair long enough to climb such people might *only* exist in story books. Ten times two is twenty. [Harry walks down to the kitchen, unaware that his hair has just turned an unhealthy platinum blonde] Stories. Harry Wormwood: Oh, my word, he's an ugly little thing. AAAAAHHHHH! She then sniffs her way across the room, following the former path of the spotlight. School? Quick, jackets! Narrator: [She throws the baton across the stage, does a jet to catch it, and points her finger at MISS HONEY.] . And it was the most scrumptious cake in the entire world. You have to force the little squits to toe the line! He'll probably think he's in bed when he wakes up. Don't let her win. BACKGROUND SINGERS Please, stand, and do as much as you can. That's the main thing. I'm afraid I've not been too successful in getting others to recognize your . Agatha Trunchbull: Am I . You gotta get up and be loud! The most precious gift the natural world can bestow upon us has been handed to you. Fortunately, almost everything in Christianity is sin. Someone told her I did it, but I never! Miss Trunchbull, I was the one who was at your house last night, and I think Agatha Trunchbull: What is it? Matilda: I'm telling you, I didn't do it! They're like insects: they should be got rid of as early as possible. AAAAAAAHHHH! [He takes out a cigar and takes hold of the baby.] When all had quietened down, she stepped forward and produced . The secret to my success is this. [He dances backwards and MRS WORMWOOD follows along.]. The most common thing in life is life . 1. [off to the side] Matilda! And if you want to teach success, CHILDREN 1 You're a little cheat, you saw the paper. Harry Wormwood: MRS PHELPS I slave all day, and you're entertaining a couple of surfer dude bodybuilders! MATILDA Specialness is de rigueur. ERIC, TOMMY, and BRUCE Shut up! Looks are more important than books. See who wins. . I'd love to meet her, actually . CHILDREN BIG KID [TAMIKA] My daddy says I'm his special little guy! Let alone getting the conversation going! A flaming escapologist? it isn't fair! Why? MR WORMWOOD What are you waiting for? Marvellous. With every swallow, you are tightening the noose. [after listing prices of cars bought and sold]. The initial impression you make is memorable, so make it count. Agatha, This is Magnus. Photographs of my mother and father, and a beautiful doll my mother gave me with a china face. MISS TRUNCHBULL But I didn't do anything. Go fig-ueur! Michael chokes the carrot]. AAAHH! Yes, Miss Trunchbull, please, you can! I don't believe Matilda's that kind of child at all. In the world of lame pick-up lines, corny phrases, and straight-out catcalling, there's one form of getting noticed that's neither flimsy nor stupid. Where's his fingie? Just knock on the door. Narrator: Oh, right. MRS PHELPS Maybe. BRUCE off to prison you both shall go!". [to Michael, who is choking on a carrot Matilida shot at his mouth with her powers] [hands the car drill to Mikey, then walks to Matilda] Well, Matilda Wormwood. A few! Might as well be saying you think that it's okay, Just because you find that life's not fair, it My mummy says I'm a lousy little worm. What do you think it took to become English Hammer Throwing Champion 1969? Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Your genius husband is going to sell them one hundred and fifty five knackered old bangers as brand-new luxury cars. . You don't let me talk to people! That makes me so happy. A person. MISS HONEY hurries to pull the cap from NIGEL's mouth. The scene freezes again for BRUCE to talk. And even if you could, BIG KIDS You listen here, my dear, MRS WORMWOOD Trunchbull: Instead, she's found me. Used to compete in the Olympics, throwing the hammer! You will be put away in a place where not even the crows can land their droppings on you! Funny Pickup Lines Woman's Day Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Cancelled, because my wife is . Is it time for school yet, mum? Miss Honey: One can hardly move for beauty and brilliance these days. In . PARTY ENTERTAINER . You shall be . MISS TRUNCHBULL strides to the board. Harry Wormwood: They're all mistakes, children! MISS HONEY Oh yeah, huh, well, uh Agatha Trunchbull: Two, three, four! When you turn the corner, when you go to your cubbies to get your smelly coats, when you skip merrily to lunch, I'll be watching you, all of you, and especially you. MISS TRUNCHBULL That's exactly what you've done. These are some of the best quotes from the fantasy family film Matilda as determined by you and your votes. Stand out from the crowd! [grabbing and clenching Miss Honey's wrist very tightly in her fist] MISS HONEY I'm the best! MRS WORMWOOD walks out from behind the curtain, heavily pregnant. He's over there, under those coats. Or if the scream in your head even reached your mouth! [to MATILDA] You! 4. MISS HONEY enters and erases the board. Who wants stories? . MATILDA and ESCAPOLOGIST . Piacelli. Hey, sleep with me.I am not scary.I'm really rich.I'm Drew Carey. Spangly ribbons are strung across the stage. Agatha Trunchbull: MR WORMWOOD Neigh! And that's not right. Great, big, strong, scary woman she is. Matilda Wormwood! But the "tomato" is a very good word. MR WORMWOOD MISS TRUNCHBULL flails victoriously, then starts blowing her whistle. An unhatched tadpole. Good-bye, Mrs Phelps. MATILDA stares up at her for several long seconds. . Past Lavender. MRS WORMWOOD brushes past MATILDA with a sound of utter disgust. CHILDREN 3. Best dirty pick-up lines 1. Between you and it, Babies! RD.com. She misses me so much. I should be wearing in the semi-finals tonight! He's going to blow. Oh, my undercarriage doesn't feel quite normal. WHY ARE ALL THESE WOMEN MARRIED? %PDF-1.5 I'll say! MATILDA Is she here? MISS TRUNCHBULL It's very quaint, it's very sweet, DOCTOR I wonder why they didn't just change their story. You can be all cynical, Oil of Violets hair tonic for men. Agatha Trunchbull: A brand new human being! One should avoid confrontation when possible. [She puts the book in the cupboard and hurries to the hat rack with a bottle reading "sooper gloo". endobj I am FULLwhen and onlywhen the Headmistress says I am FULL. Harry Wormwood: A party entertainer enters with balloons. To unlock that power, all she had to do was practice. We must find out how it ends. MISS HONEY A member of the mafia! MRS PHELPS enters. But I'm his little soldier. MISS HONEY enters and knocks. And honestly, I was really, definitely, sort of, almost thinking about owning up. If,1,null Matilda Pick Up Lines. . In fact, it must have been her who put that stink bomb under my desk this morning. MRS WORMWOOD That's not fair! I can't abandon my children. MATILDA And I never understood you, not one little bit Who's got a pen? And if it's not right, There's never been a miracle, a miracle, a miracle as . Bruce Bogtrotter: BRUCE turns around and burps for a full ten seconds. Matilda: google_ad_host="pub-6693688277674466"; . google_ad_format="120x90_0ads_al_s"; Well, I needed to learn to read words so that I could read sentences. This child is a girl. [He brings out a load of cash and starts leafing through it.] Yes! She rented it from this lovely rhubarb farmer for just $50 a month, and she covered it in honeysuckle, and she planted hundreds of wildflowers, and she moved out of her wicked aunt's house, and she finally got her freedom. It seems that there are millions of these "one in a millions" these days. Eight times two is sixteen. You gotta get up! . The room freezes as MISS TRUNCHBULL starts to write the word "GUILTY" on the board. He's my dance partner. So innocent I asked a thousand questions. RG0 I'm sure you'd , MR WORMWOOD Well, I shall take your money when you earn it, and I shall spend it. He bites the cap, screaming through his teeth. Am I wrong? You're just wasting energy, The apple never rots far from the tree! MICHAEL sits on his lap. RUDOLPHO This means that pick-up lines are all about first impressions. One times two is two. I'll come back later, then. And so it was, they decided to perform the most dangerous feat ever known to man! Harry Wormwood: MISS HONEY enters and turns away in shock. Don't hide it under a bushel. I'll tell you when you are full. Even if what you got is not a lot. You MRS WORMWOOD puts a number on RUDOLPHO's back as though they are competing in a dancing competition. Great, big, question-asking . celebrities! You have to put it right . ], MISS HONEY She puts down the large block and MATILDA stands on it. Some will grow to be butchers, or bakers, or candlestick makers. [snatching the book from Matilda and tears the pages out of the cover]. Then your mummy is a twit! You'll fit it in. Told me to watch out for the brat, though; says she's a real wart. And yet every single life, Don't listen to them. . Not even when the hammer left my hands Stop. [Looking irritated, she makes her way to BRUCE's side.] A baby, Mrs Wormwood. Knock on the door, Jenny. to the rules. Don't waste this. Right. That's not right. [comes up to her and Matilda stands up] The alphabet? The first car your brilliant father sold cost $320. [tosses the cereal in the air] And I say that criminals like you are not full until you have eaten the entire cake. I've often thought about it, but I can't abandon my children. A really strong stomach. Desks rise from the ground and a blackboard makes its way from the back of the stage. That kids like me should be against the law. You useless, used-car-salesman scum! I wonder what Miss Trunchbull is afraid of. Matilda is a American fantasy comedy film co-produced and directed by Danny DeVito, from a screenplay written by Nicholas Kazan and Robin Swicord. . Hey, dip face. Quite the contrary. You don't have to cry, you don't have to shout . Might she be a little brighter than her class? She just picked him up, swung him around, and threw him out the . [to Michael] How dare they speak to me like that! [as the TV explodes, due to Matilda's powers] NIGEL WOMAN: That's right, honey. MRS WORMWOOD and RUDOLPHO MATILDA But to me, they tell a deeper story. Roald Dahl's Matilda The Musical. A little less fact, a lot more feel. She uses them to carry on a conversation. There is a spotlight on BRUCE as he begins to talk. TOMMY Here. Has incredible upper-body strength. [after smashing the entire cake platter over Bruce Bogtrotter's head, causing the children to stop cheering] Girl, you've gotta learn to stand up and stick out from the You wanted cake, you got cake! MATILDA hides the glue behind her back as MR WORMWOOD enters. He surely can't! 4. NIGEL, TOMMY "Hi, My Name Is [insert name]." I'd say this one is the number one pick-up line of all time. This miracle . Won't change a thing. MR WORMWOOD Don't tell me. Matilda: Yes. . Calculate this! In this classroom, in this school, I am god! Creep on back to that library of yours or something. Harry Wormwood: Isn't there some more? Two BIG KIDS start climbing on the gate, flanking alphabet blocks as they are are pushed through the gate when they are mentioned in the song. Cake. Now, that is how you do it! I'm not crying because it's sad. And then, my great, big, beautiful chocolate-y burp, which now seemed to have a mind of its own, wafted full into the face of the Trunchbull! Agatha Trunchbull: My mummy says I'm a jumped-up little germ, She holds the hat out to him. My daddy says I should learn to shut my pie-hole. MR WORMWOOD grabs his suitcase and exits along with the lackey. MISS HONEY laughs and exits down the stairs at the front of the stage. Look! Cat in the Hat! I've got my deal today with the Russians. And if you cry it will be double. If you can't handle the little brat, I'LL LOCK HER IN THE CHOKEY! BRUCE I believe that . DOCTOR So give me more cake! She starts the video screens playing again. MISS TRUNCHBULL [she lunges the ball at the door, ultimately puncturing it immensely]. . The scene changes to the library. Tess of the D'urbervilles . I'm not in favor of girls getting all clever-pants, Miss Hussy. % Did you see all those packages outside? You should be embarrassed. 9:17, suspect exits domicile. Yes, wonderful. You missed it. It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me. Agatha Trunchbull: MISS TRUNCHBULL's office, complete with her in a high-backed chair (facing the back of the stage) is wheeled in. Jul 25, - Barney Stinson's Harry Potter pick up lines. MATILDA grabs her books and runs off the front of the stage. I've had them since I was big enough to Xerox. And if it's not right, . MISS TRUNCHBULL I want to be in school. It was like the entire world went silent for that [She takes a mirror from the armchair.] MRS WORMWOOD Or even two, Bruce, . Well, here I am. BRUCE It's the Trunchbull's speciality. Pathetic, little me. When I grow up, (When I grow up, when I grow up) I will be strong enough to carry all The heavy things you have to haul Around with you When you're a grown up And when I grow up, Dearest pie, how old is Matilda? One look at my face and it's plain to see. How do you do this? . Last week, I read quite a few. But if you did happen to have a story you wanted to tell . Harry Wormwood: (Starts to go, but really this time) I'm going to put the newt in Trunchbull's jug! [She turns the screens back on.]. MATILDA [whacks the desk again with her riding crop]. They're the bane of my life. Matilda: I told you I was supposed to start school in September. MISS TRUNCHBULL Trunchbull: <> A table with the word "Contest" emblazoned on the side is wheeled in. The distance the shotput goes, depends upon the effort that you PUT INTO IT. [her car has broken down] . 4 0 obj The boy's a looney. . You're a liar and a scoundrel, and your father's a liar and a cheat, one of the most corrupt lowlifes in the history of civilization! MR WORMWOOD And please don't say "the gym.". A child. No! I'm not hinting, but if you did happen to have a story you wanted . Just one more bite and you'll've completely cooked her goose. We give the Whisper Challenge a shot with a little spin on it. MAN: We'll have to change his school. . And as time passed, they grew quite old, and still they had no child. Once Agatha Trunchbull decides you're guilty, you're , BIG KID [TAMIKA] Oh MRS WORMWOOD Jenny: . Matilda: But I've got a baby! Bruce! DOCTOR I did not! And each night, the children of the town would wait in anticipation, hoping for a glimpse of the shiny white scarf that the acrobat always wore, for then they knew that they had only to cry, "Tricks! In the slip of a bolt, there's a tiny revolt. MISS TRUNCHBULL sniffs and licks the air. Agatha Trunchbull: The BIG KIDS and CHILDREN take up various positions around the stage and audience, pointing in every which way. . abilities. With her, it's all "books" and "stories". Dad said I'd learn the alphabet! One look at my face and it's plain to see. She went on olden-day sailing ships with Joseph Conrad. It's just that they want that child so very much. Do I allow pigs in my school? Stupid, nasty, stinking, slimy . They sits and unpack their bags. Do you need a sin for your next confession? RUDOLPHO [the Trunchbull's car, sold to her by Harry Wormwood, has broken down, forcing her to haul it all the way back to her house]. The table stops and the hands hit the ground. I love it here! We can have our cake and it it too! A DOCTOR enters. MATILDA pauses for several moments, holding the dolls in front of her contemplatively. Matilda: Jane Eyre . If you always take it on the chin and wear it, And worst of all, when the girl was five, her father died. MATILDA . Ev-er-y life is unbelievably unlikely. [sometimes, to be in time with the music: Well? Miss Jennifer 'Jenny' Honey: Matilda, you promised you wouldn't go back into that house. . Matilda centers on Matilda, a young genius with telekinesis powers. Jenny : Quite the contrary. Hmm. My mummy says I'm a miracle. And, while you're at it, why don't you stick your stupid book to your stupid head? . Harry Wormwood: [Harry and Zinnia are leaving the hospital with the baby]. Hup, two, four, free. NIGEL MR WORMWOOD . And if I couldn't teach, I'd have nothing at all. [appalled at Zinnia talking with FBI agents Bill and Bob] Alternate Versions . CHILDREN 2 No. The scene changes to the Wormwood's living room. MRS WORMWOOD Michael, pencil and paper, in the kitchen. He surely can't! With powers, the carrot flies into his mouth. COUPLES Whoever painted The Trunchbull must have had a strong stomach. No, but don't people need good cars? You can adopt me. No one's gonna tell you when to wiggle your bumba. Well, then stop her reading! What's wrong with the telly? MISS TRUNCHBULL Others take a less emotional approach. If you were a vegetable, you'd be a 'cute-cumber.'. Matilda: I don't know anybody who did. TOMMY 9. I hate pigtails! MISS HONEY Follow. You MATILDA picks up various bottles from the vanity and reads from their labels. Why would you want green hair? No "buts". Michael: MISS HONEY Maryn Liles Feb 17, 2023 It's no lie that online dating. [He laughs then peters out.] Anyone with a good sense of humor will appreciate them. Flipping, filthy, nasty, stupid Russians! I think they do it deliberately, just to annoy me. [She flicks the screens off again.] It's going to be brilliant! Keep out of reach of children. Mustn't let a little thing like "little" stop you. A bell rings. Agatha Trunchbull: CHILDREN I'm in the zone, doll! I'll tell ya, six hours a day of school IS NOT enough. You're the only daughter I ever had, Matilda. BIG KIDS [He drags Matilda, throwing the book aside, to where Zinnia is]. What're they going to do, repossess the kid? I'm never wrong! That's it! It's just a door. But unless you want to suffer, listen up Matilda Wormwood: I thought grown-ups weren't afraid of anything. 4. . Good morning, children! The subsequent fall was inevitable. MISS HONEY exits behind the stacks as the library scene rolls in. . Just go back to school! And I will teach you a thing or two. National Green Hair Day! MRS WORMWOOD But I didn't . For each correct answer, they'll move one step closer to our Cube of Cash. Miss Honey: Miss Honey: <> I don't want green hair.
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